Characters (in order of appearance)
BEAUTY – a strawberry
BIG KAHUNA – a pineapple
FARMER JOHN – caretaker
STAGE – Two twin size beds. One on the right with a vine at the headboard, one on the left with long stalks surrounding it. A rocking chair in between.
(Projection: A farm near the ocean.)
(Spotlight on a twin size bed with a white sheet and one stuffed strawberry. Beauty is under the covers.)
Ooh, ohhhh. Um. *squeek* (pause) *yawn* (pause) *stretch* Ahhhh. smack. smack. smack.
(The sheet moves. BEAUTY peeks out.)
Wh-where am I? What’s all of this? Where’s my mommy? What?
(FEELS around for a leafy vine attached to her head.)
Oh! There you are.
(SITS up in bed. The sheet falls down a bit.)
Ah! What’s all over me? I’m all green. (to stuffed strawberry) You’re not green, you- you’re red. And you look a little too red. Are you feeling OK? You’ve taken’ a little too much sun today my lady. Let’s make you some shade.
(COVERS strawberry with a leaf from her vine.)
Oh wow! (sniffs) You smell really sweet. (sniffs herself) I don’t smell yet.
(INSPECTS stuffed strawberry)
Whoa girl! Your seeds are bursting out! There went one right in the bed somewhere. It just popped right off you! Did you see that? Are mine gonna do that? (sniffs the strawberry) Mmm…I can’t stop smelling you - you smell so good! (looks up) What’s that Momma Vine?
There has never been a package like you ever before in history, nor will there ever be again. Just be patient dear. You have a long life ahead of you.
OK, I guess I can wait. How long could it take?
(Farmer ENTERS. SITS in rocker.)
You know, all seeds grow into very alive things. But the beauties in
take the best flavor with them anywhere they go. Some have said they can taste the energy in their mouths. That’s ‘cause I leave ‘em tucked in their beds nice and sound until that vine’s ready to let go herself. I started growing them when I first moved on the plantation to live and work in 1925. Never did marry. Why do that when I have these ladies to take care of? In fact, I love them so much, I wrote a song for them. Wanna hear it? Hawai’i
(PICKS up a banjo. STARTS singing “Farmer John’s Strawberry Song.”
An “*” indicates a slowing tempo.)
“Farmer John’s Strawberry Song”
Only a few more days
I’ll be pickin’ away
Sweet ripe beauties grown’
bigger every day!
Bright red, then pick her away,
*Ooohwee! Sure looks nice! (LOOKS OVER AUDIENCE)
On the plantation
When it’s dinnertime
Those juicy little beauties
Are all mine to make
Ice cold strawberry lemonade!
*Mmmmee! Sure tastes nice. (SIGHS.)
*Just give ‘er some time
*and she’ll ripen on the vine.
Then sit back and sip on mine.
Can’t you see?
Beauty’s out there waitin’ for me! (End.)
I can’t wait for them sweet ladies to get out of that bed and into my tummy! I’ve been waitin’ all year for that kind of sweetness. Get’s lonely round here when they’re not in season. But momma vine’s a strict lady though. She keeps em tight ‘til they’re rightfully ready for me to remove ‘em! She’s one vine I can count on for years to come, too! Whoo-wee! Don’t you wish you was me? All these yummy treats at my feet!
I guess I’ll stay in bed. If I rest my color might actually show up. My momma vine told me once I grow up, I’ll smell the sweetest, be the reddest and my seeds will pop out nice and firm like rockets about to blast off. I’ll even be able to make my own strawberries grow someday. Momma Vine said that’s when I’ll really begin to see. I will not be stuck in this bed forever, that’s one thing I know for sure! I will get out and see the world! I’ll leave a seed every new place I go, that way everybody can have the pleasant occasion of meeting a
beauty, like me. Momma said the lady before me, the last one stuck on this vine - she made it out. She went far, far away, and she never came back. Some say she went gourmet – dipped herself in chocolate. Guess that’s when I moved in. I don’t need the gourmet life though. My cousin, the blackberry told me that Kellogg’s starting to preserve us berries for their cereal products – you know that way we never age. Not one day older! Now that’s a lady’s real dream! I mean, well, once I’m grown up and all. (yawning) I need my beauty sleep. The sun will be up early. Tennessee
(Beauty LIES back in her bed, careful of the vine attached to her head. Lights slowly fade to black.)
(Projection: The beginning stage of pineapple.)
(Big Kahuna TOSSES AND TURNS under the covers in the other bed.)
Umm. Umm. *growl* Ooga, Ooga, Ooga, Oohhh. *deep yawn*
(Sheet SETTLES. Sheet JOLTS. Big Kahuna JUMPS up on bed.)
Gotta get up. Gotta get up. Can’t sleep the whole day away. Wake up Kahuna. Ahhh-
(SMACKS his face.)
Wake up man! Blllgghuaaah.
(SHAKES his cheeks side to side making sloppy noises.)
I’m up! I’m up! Uh, what time is it? (pause.) Hello? (pause.) Anybody out there? (howling) Yoo-hoo… Can anyone hear me?
(PAUSES to listen.)
Well. Then I guess I’ll just sit right back down here and play on my ukulele. Can’t be too late. Sun’s only half up.
(PICKS up a ukulele and SINGS “Alone in
Oh I live in Hawai- i
But don’t be jealous of me
I’m a very nice guy
A little rough on the outside
Oh so, so soft and
Oh so, so sweet
I can show you if we meet.
(Chorus) first verse second verse third verse
So come, oh come,
Meet me in
Bathe in the sun We’ll talk all day Feel for yourself
Soak up the breeze Walk on the beach Stay and be sweet
Someday, you can see
Make friends with me.
They call me cayenne (kī-anne)
It’s a family name
But I like Big Kahuna
It has more va-va-vooma
So, oh so please
Just be with me,
I can show you who I be.
Some say I’m a pain
It’s just my prickly mane
I live in
Isn’t any mean in me
Oh, so they see
I’m gay as can be.
Deep inside I’m sugary.
*And when we wake up
Hot in the sun
That’s when you’ll know
That I am the one.
So, oh! Just come
And you will see
Da Kahuna’s real, nice and sweet. (End)
(Kahuna SITS back in bed and PICKS up hand mirror.)
What a lucky Kahuna! Woo! (BATS his eyes) Look at those beautiful green eyes! Can’t ask for too much more. Well, except for a friend. It’s just so lonely out here. I can’t see a thing. All these stalks are just crowding me. It’d be nice to know if I am all alone. (sighs.) Oh well, if I am alone then – I am the queen! Must be. Smooth
descent ~ first class South American booty. Thriving under a Hawaiian sun. Makes me – a hidden treasure baby! Cayenne
(The boom truck comes by and sprays BIG KAHUNA in the face with ethephon. This can be portrayed with Farmer John running out on stage with a spray bottle.)
Hey! (Kahuna GAGS. COUGHS throughout rest of scene.) What was that all about? I didn’t know I had any enemies. What kind of dude just sprays and then leaves me? I wonder if he does that to other pineapples, too. There are other ones like me, aren’t there? Well dude sure didn’t stick around to make sure I was— Ohhh. Uh-Oh. What’s happening? Whooo! I’m all tingly inside. Woa-oh. Ooo! (STUMBLES) Dude, da Kahuna’s feelin’ funny right about now. (GIGGLES. GAINS balance, but STRETCHES arms up.) I feel like I’m (pause) like the middle of me is growing! Like it’s explandin’. Ergghh. Help me someone! I’m dying! I mean I’m growing too fast. Ahhh! (FALLS.) Please! Dude? Can you hear me? I think I’m about to explode! Oh it hurts. My body can’t take this. Oh man. (LOOKS in hand mirror.) I wonder why the dude wants me bigger. I’m already too big, and I hate it! Uggh! Why won’t anyone help me? (SINKS in bed.) Pbbfft. It’s no use. I’ll just be here big and bloated and when the dude comes back, I— (TOUCHES himself.) I wonder what this stuff really is. It’s sticky. It doesn’t smell, but how could I know, I have no nose! Ha Ha Ha! Wonder what it is? (LOOKS at audience.) Ummmm, maybe its food for me. Should I - taste it? I gotta try it.
(Kahuna LICKS his face, COUGHS again, then FALLS back in bed. Farmer John RETURNS with spray bottle.)
I wonder if I already got this one. Oh well.
(Farmer John SPRAYS Kahuna again and TUCKS him in head to toe, so to say. Kahuna GROWS under the covers. Lights fade out.)
(Lights come up to BEAUTY sitting up in bed, red as can be, playing with her crown.)
(Projection: Lots and lots of red strawberries, everywhere, even on her bed!)
Did you notice my seeds? I have 200 now, all ready to make new Beauties, just like me. Firm and sweet. I’m getting stronger, too. See? (FLEXES her arms.) Hanging on my momma vine keeps me pumping fuller and firmer. And when I feel like I’m going to burst, everything expands, even my crown and my seeds. And ooohhmigosh (pause) smell me! I know I sound vain, but seriously, have you ever smelled a
beauty? It’s just heavenly. (pause.) We’re the sweetest ladies inside and out in the berry world. Our scent just radiates from us! Ooo, ooo, ooo see my color? Now that’s patience. I waited and meditated and cried and hung in there and then ah-ha my true colors came out. Thanks Ms. Sunshine! Thank you momma vine! It’s great to be alive! Tennessee
(BLOWS a big kiss to the sky. Farmer John APPEARS.)
They’re ready! You just wait! I’m gonna get me that strawberry lemonade today.
(WALKS over to Beauty’s bed.)
What an interesting creature! I wander what it wants.
Oh boy! Don’t you look nice! Biggest one out here, too.
(GRABS Beauty’s vine. SHAKES it vigorously.)
Hey! Stop! OW! Excuuuse me, you’re messing up my leaves! HEY!
Oh, I see. Not quite ready to let her go momma, now are you? Wow, but she sure is a beauty! A couple more days, she’ll be jumping off the vine! I’ll have to remember this one. Don’t want her wastin’ away on the ground. She’s a star!
(Farmer John PICKS up every strawberry in Beauty’s bed, then EXITS.)
Did you hear what I heard? (pause.) It said I was a beauty! (GIGGLES.) Smart creature.
(LOOKS around.) Hey where did everybody go? Wait creature where are you going with my friends? Take me, too, please! I am ready! Don’t leave me out here all alone. I wanna go, too! I wanna see the world. (pause.) Please come back. (STARTS to cry.) That’s not fair. Eight ladies are now off on some great adventure and I’m stuck here in bed! (pause.) What’s that momma? I’m not? When will I be? (pause.) Yeah, when I am older. Right.
(RESTS her hand on her cheek, GRABS the mirror and LOOKS in it.)
You look old enough. You look ready. Why then? Why wont’ you let go Momma! Why’d the creature leave me if it thinks I’m a beauty? (SOBS into her sheet.) I want out of this bed!
(Projection: A single strawberry hanging from a vine.)
(Beauty SINGS “I Remember” from her bed.)
I remember when I was green
I remember smelling clean
I remember the day I began
When the lady before me ran
Somewhere far, far away.
I remember what momma said
I remember leaves on my head
I remember the creature came
Stole all my friends and went away
I remember today.
I am ready today.
But she won’t let go,
So I grow and grow.
Til the lady says I can go,
I remember this.
I remember this. (End)
(Beauty PICKS up hand mirror and LOOKS at herself.)
Humph! Well, at least he said he was coming back soon. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I think I am getting stretch marks over here. I guess Momma has her own plan for me in this world. I just hope it involves getting out of this place. Hear that momma? I still want to see the world! I’m a star, Momma, you’ll have to let me go sooner or later. (Voice LAUGHS) Don’t laugh momma! I’m gonna be a big star, you’ll see! A strawberry supernova! Then I’ll have my body freeze dried so everyone will see the beautiful me! He’ll be back momma, he’ll be back!
(Beauty covers up and grows under covers. Lights out.)
(Spotlights come to Kahuna sitting up in bed, much, much bigger than before. A few other pineapples are around him.)
(Projection: A bed of pineapples just before first harvest.)
What happened last night? Oh man! I have a headache. Come to think of it, my whole body hurts. (PLACES hands on belly.) What the- Holy Kahuna dude! Where’d this come from? How long have I been asleep? Where’s my- (GRABS mirror.) Oh. Well, you still look fabulous darling. Even a bigger hunk than before! (POSING.) Oh baby! Oh baby! Oh baby! Never thought something could be so beautiful. I’m solid as a rock. I am the Rock! Look at me – I’m glowing! (LOOKS in hand mirror. COOS.) Hey! I see something over there. Hey! It’s other pineapples! Only they’re so much smaller. How’d I get so big? Wow! I’m a freak! Nobody will want to kick it with me being this fat! I gotta do something about this! I know, I’ll do some sit ups. (NODS head to chin a couple of times.) OK, well that won’t work. Maybe I can do some push-ups? Oh wait, I have no arms! How about I just sit here and flex my butt muscles. (SMILES at audience. Thunder is heard.) Ahh! No. No. It can’t be. Rain! Good grief. I’ll be the Good Year blimp if it rains today. It won’t. It’s just a cloud passing by. (Drop of rain falls on his crown. Kahuna LOOKS up.) Dude! OK, so it’s a light shower. This is
you know. (Lightning.) Hooooo-K. Not cool. Not cool. (COVERS himself with sheet.) Hawai’i
(Spotlight switches to Beauty.)
Rain! Oh, no! I’m not sure if I can handle that. I’m so stuffed already. If I even add one mili-ounce to this body, I swear it, I’m going to explode! No, I don’t think you understand. I feel like I have the entire ocean inside me right now and its high tide. If it rains, well, you know what that means – Momma’ll flood me with juice. Oh goodness gracious. What do I do? (Beauty SHUTS her eyes and BREATHES deeply.)
Om. Ohm. Ohm. Shanti Shanti Shanti. Ohm. Meditation, yes. The mind over the body. Every girl has the ability. Block out the pain. Go to a special place. Ohm. (Thunder.) Eek!
(Spotlight out. Rain is heard. Lightning and thunder storm on stage. Beauty and
Kahuna are seen struggling each time the lightning flashes.)
(BEAUTY is lying on the ground near her strawberry bed. She is half the size of the now huge pineapple, Kahuna. A baby vine grows nearby.)
(Projection: The ocean.)
What a night! I thought that storm was never going to end! Oh, but it’s so gorgeous out now. The day after a storm is the most peaceful and serene time. And I’m so fresh and clean – a brand new sweet! I feel like I’m a woman. It’s like I’ve been liberated – I feel free! (pause.) Hey momma vine, how are you doin’ up there? Huh? Mom? Since when are you so quiet? (FEELS for Momma vine which is broken now.) Huh?! Momma, you let go of me. But, you didn’t say goodbye. (CRIES.) It hurts without you. I always said I wanted to leave, but now I’m just sad. I just wanna give you a hug. I miss you. Here- I’m coming over there. (TRIES to roll around.) Oh. (painfully) I’m too fat! Maybe that’s why you let me go. That’s why you didn’t say goodbye. (LIFTS up vine.) Momma? Can you hear me?
My precious Beauty, I’ve lavished my love upon you, calling you my child. I know every thought you think even before you think it. I even know the secrets you try to hide, fearing rejection. But don’t worry, nothing in your past, present, or future could ever stop me from loving you. Never forget that you are forever loved and that I’m thinking good thoughts of you. No matter where you go, I’m always with you.
Oh momma, I love you, too. Thank you so much! I am ready to go. I can now. I’m clean and more equipped than ever to go see the world and be a star. Look at it! It’s so infinite out there. I’ve never seen the world from this angle! I wonder what the other ladies are doing right now. (pause.)
They’re probably so far from here that they forgot about me. (pause.) Hello, Creature! I’m ready! Come get me! (TRIES to ROLL again.) Oh, it’s useless! I’m not getting anywhere! (SEES baby vine.) Hmmm? No-! I remember you! Are you- no- you’re my sister’s seed. Look at you! Growing up I see! You’re such a charming little vine. I bet that rain last night gave you a little jumpstart on life, too! (SIGHS.) I just fell off the vine last night. You know, your mom’s already out there - seeing the world! She’d be so proud of you. (pause.) This Beauty wants to run, too! When the creature notices I am ready, he’ll take me and I’ll tell my sister all about you, your baby leaves and beefy vine! I promise I will. The world seems so much bigger now. So many possibilities. What on earth could be my destiny? You know, it looks like there are other things growing out here. Like that. (POINTS to Kahuna.) Do you see that thing over there? It kinda looks like me when I was a baby, all green and hard, but it’s ten thousand times bigger! I wonder what it could be. Hello! Hey you over there? Are you up?
(Lights up. Kahuna, still in bed, OPENS his eyes.)
Ugh. Umm. (GROWLS.) Ooga, Ooga, Ooga, Oohhh. (YAWNS.)
(Sheet SETTLES. Sheet JOLTS. Big Kahuna JUMPS up on bed.)
I’m up! I’m up! Uh, what time is it? (pause.) Oh, it rained last night didn’t it? (pause.) Oh just great! I grew - again! I’ll never find anyone to be friends with now. Just call me Godzilla the pineapple! (GROWLS.)
It’s ok Kahuna, just keep doing them butt squeezes. Uh-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8…
(ROLLING from laughing so hard.)
Hey you! Over here. Hello? Hi.
(RUBS his eyes. LOOKS over at Beauty.) Are you that red thing over there that’s talking to me?
Well, that’s right! But, I’m not just a red thing - I’m a
beauty - that’s a strawberry. What are you? Tennessee
I’m a Smooth Cayenne pineapple. The name’s Kahuna.
I think I’ve heard of you, but I’d have to say BIG Kahuna fits you better!
(LAUGHS and ROLLS)
Hey! That was not nice, Ms. Beauty.
Wait! I didn’t mean it like that. You’re just so gigantic! But, hey- look, I am too!
Oh pa-lease! You’re a stick. Skin and bones.
Oh come on. Don’t ignore it – I am big, too! It must be something in the water here.
What’d you say your name was?
Beauty. And you’re the Big Kahuna! (LAUGHS rolling.)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just keep laughing and roll yourself on over here Beauty.
What? (LOOKS back to baby vine.) I am rolling, huh?
Yeah. You were laughing so hard about my name, that your body just started spinning around in these little half circles. You could probably make it over to me if you keep doing it.
OK, it’s worth a shot! Here I come. Bye-bye little one, bye momma!
(LAUGHS and LAUGHS and rolls to Kahuna.)
Roll on over to the Kahuna, Red momma
Roll, roll, roll.
You see the path
Now laugh, laugh, laugh.
In no time, you a friend of mine,
Roll over Beauty,
Be next to me,
Roll, roll, roll. (end)
Hey! Job well done! It’s a pleasure to finally meet you up close and personal Beauty. Wow! Be still my heart. If I were a berry, I don’t know what I’d do with you! Honey, you’re a first rate heartbreaker!
I’ve never broken any hearts, except maybe momma’s.
Oh, how sad. The love I’m speaking of is unlike the kind you share with your mom, baby. It’s when you find someone you want to spend your life with, who takes your breath away at first sight and continually does so every day until you die.
Whoa Big Kahuna, how do you know? You’ve been in love?
No, but I feel it in my core. It’s been bubbling inside waiting to unload on someone since the first time I saw other life out there.
You’re a love volcano! But I must go away now. I’ve been here way too long already.
Where you think you’re goin’ girl?
I don’t know yet. Somewhere that everyone will see me. Where I can be the star!
You gotta get to the sky first kid. Look how long it took ya to get over here.
Well, if that seems so unreal, what were you thinking you want to do?
Haven’t thought about it much. I guess I’m happy now that you’re here. I don’t really need to go anywhere.
But, Kahuna, you can’t stay here forever. Your momma vine’s sure to let you go sometime.
I don’t have any vine. I’m the Queen of my bush. I don’t think there’s any way for me to get out of here either. I pretty deeply rooted in. It’d take some force, and I don’t see force coming from your little squishy body.
We’ll figure a way. And then we will roll together, wherever! And when we get there, they’ll love us! Here, let me see if I can roll you off that thing.
BEAUTY and KAHUNA
(LAUGHING.) Ugh, erg, uh, eh, ah, ah, mmm.
(Beauty ROLLS into Kahuna barely nudging him.)
This isn’t going to be easy.
Beauty! Watch out! Here comes the dude with the stuff!
(Farmer John ENTERS.)
What dude? (LOOKS up.) Hey! It’s the creature! What did you call it?
The dude with the stuff. He’s got a bottle with something in it that turns me into the Hulk!
Kahuna, focus. He’s going to take us out of here.
No, he’s going to pick your pretty little booty up out of here and leave me all alone once again.
No. I won’t let him. I’ll make sure you come with us!
What can you do? You’re nothing compared to the size of that one.
I don’t care. I’ll hold on to you.
YES! Here creature! We’re over here. Ready.
Where’d she go? Storm must have shook her clear off the vine last night! She can’t be too far from her bed though. Beauty? Where are you my sweet, sweet beauty?
(Farmer John LOOKS for Beauty.)
Over here! Next to the Big Kahuna!
Will you stop calling me that?
Oh, you know I don’t mean anything bad when I say that.
How do I know? I just met you. You could be lying and just leave me here, Bodacious Beauty!
Hey! What did you say? You better take that back now Kahuna!
(Beauty GRABS hold of Kahuna’s bed.)
Take it back!
(Beauty PULLS Kahuna’s crown.)
There you are!
(GRABS Beauty’s legs.)
Holy Higgensberry! You’re the biggest beauty I ever seen. It’s breathtaking! You sure got pretty far away from that bed, for your size. What are you stuck to?
(SEES Kahuna. DROPS Beauty’s legs.)
Ohmigollygeewilligers! Now there’s one for the Guinness World Record. You must be four feet tall! Why, I’ve never seen such large fruit (pause) and sitting side by side together, too.
(STEPS back in awe.)
Dude, it’s your fault we’re like this! If it weren’t for you sprayin’ me all over, I might be normal, like the rest of the guys.
You’re right Kahuna! If he would’ve picked me with the rest of the ladies, I wouldn’t be half the size I am now.
And you left us out in the rain. My royal heiny is soaking wet. I keep growing as we speak. I know, because every time I grow, I get this sharp pain in my side and feel breathless for a moment.
I usually don’t do this, but I’m taking you in.
BEAUTY AND KAHUNA
I’ve been working on this plantation now for 75 years and never stolen a thing. It couldn’t hurt if I do it just once. Just pray I don’t get caught by the boss.
(Farmer John EXITS.)
KAHUNA and BEAUTY
Dear heavenly father… Now I lay me down to sleep…
Amen brother-dude! Take me home creature man!
(Farmer John ENTERS with a huge machete.)
(INTERRUPTING Kahuna’s praying) Um, Kahuna, what’s that big shiny thing he’s carrying in his hand?
What thing? (Kahuna’s mouth drops.) Beauty…help me.
(Farmer John WHACKS under Kahuna’s bed quickly.)
I can’t- I can’t breathe…
(Farmer John SPRAYS something on him to preserve him.)
Kahuna, Kahuna! Can you hear me? Are you okay? What just happened?
(Farmer John GRABS Kahuna by the crown and LIFTS him out of bed.)
There you go buddy. Come on girl.
(CARRIES both Kahuna and Beauty in his arms.)
Boy, you guys are heavy.
Kahuna, answer me! You’re scaring me.
Ohmigosh, You had me for dead, Kahuna!
Me too! But, I feel much better now.
You remember how I said I’d never been in love?
I think I love the creature!
He took my breath away.
(Kahuna and Beauty LOOK UP at the stars and sigh.)
(Farmer John EXITS with Kahuna and Beauty.)