Ms. Panda

Who I am cannot be summed up into words.

Who I am cannot be merely my interests.

Who I am cannot be written in a book.

Who I am cannot be found in a name.

Who I am is a culmination.

Who I am is a totality.

Who I am is vast.

Who I am is me.

A name is a start.

A name is all we have sometimes.

A name gives us an idea of how we can relate.

A name is a bridge between two strangers -

And to remember that name serves as reinforcement of our interest in one another.

Yet, under the blanket of the name is where our true selves exist.

It is in this swirling, twirling of emotions and experiences, 

ups and downs of cycles and depths of expressions, 

pride in our culture and loyalty to our family's traditions,

that one being truly exists.

Yet, it is still deeper than that even.

In my cellular composition -

The things I consume -

The thoughts I think.

This is all me.

Everything plays a role in who I am.

And in who you are, too.

I see this.

Do you?

Road Trip Photo Recap

I finally got my pictures downloaded and they really do tell a story.

Even though the ending was dramatic, the whole drive seemed to be blessed by the best.

Me and LuLu

(Notice the infamous picnic basket)

Annie a.k.a. Falcora

My dogs were being extra good girls, especially for being that long in the car.

The 1,800 or so miles that make up our mission were gobbled up like dots on Ms. Pac-man.  Easy breezy...

The photos I took randomly seemed to capture images of something greater and it seriously felt like we had our angels with us.

Then, when Lucy survived that freak accident without any broken bones, I knew we were blessed.

The moral of the story:

Take lots of pictures.  They remind you of how blessed you are. 

:)

Sea of Change

So many things going on,
Not able to fetch a decent night's sleep.
Wrote a poem about the gypsy in me.
These days prove the difficulty of an unsettled lifestyle,
Especially after being so physically and emotionally close to my family the last three years.

My heart is heavy.
My poem is it's plea.


Sea of Change

This change is a change
of pace
Which the universe did
so unexpectedly give

My heart of gold
Sleeplessly weeps with heavy heaves
My chest grieves
As I begin to finally see what is now me

Moving forward
As my soul lingers in my recent memories
I stare into the high seas
To set sail could be the death of me

Still, I remain at bay
Ready, but steady - taking baby steps
To repair my worn down ship
A list of things to fix

But most important on my list
A new plank for my ship
Perfect to spring from
When the new tide comes

When the sky clears
And the sun melts my fears
It'll be into a calm sea I leap
Washing the uncertainty off of me.

Dear Blog

I miss you.

I have been meaning to write, but do not have an Internet connection and writing on my iPhone makes me go cross-eyed :p

I'll write soon. Promise.

All my love,
Ms. Panda

The Dog Days Are Over - Yeeeeaaaahhhh!!!

It's been a minute since I blogged, but a lot has changed.

First - I moved.  From Kansas City, MO to Dana Point, CA.  Two days of hard core driving.  Then, when I was just under 3 hours away from my new place, the worst thing ever happened.

My black lab, Lucy, got spooked by my road trip picnic basket when it fell in her seat, and instantly jumped out of the window of my car while we were driving 80 mph!!!  I watched in horror as she flipped over and over uncontrollably.  I slammed on the brakes, threw the car in park on the median and got out just as she flipped her last couple of times.  I expected the worst, but as soon as she stopped tumbling, she got back up on all fours and ran right to me!  It was a miracle!

I loaded her in the car and examined the damage.  The first thing I could see was blood, and LOTS of it.  I got some Subway napkins from my lunch and went to town on her, dabbing here and there.  It seemed like everywhere.  I breathed deeply - in through my nose and out of my mouth.  My hands and knees were shaking, but somehow my mind was clear.  I knew what needed to be done.  It's crazy how the maternal instinct kicks in - fight or flight is some real deal stuff.

I thought back to a similar incident, when my 11 year old nephew freaked out in the face of fear and I channeled my thoughts about how he could've handled HIS situation and applied them to my reasoning abilities.  It worked.  I drove carefully and cautiously, while calling on loved ones to help.  We made it safely to a vet and got her stitched up and on pain meds ASAP!  I spent the night with her - my car still packed to the brim with my stuff.

Here are some words I wrote when she was in surgery:

9-27-11

She can't tell me where it hurts

But I can hear her screaming in pain

Reacting to fear, an emotional day

As I try to play with Annie, 

I can't help but hear you, Lucy Q.

Jumped into the street while we were going 80.

I couldn't help but see you, Lucy Q.

I'll never forget that image, Lucy Q.

It took us three more days before we finally got to our new place, and Lucy is getting better everyday! I love her more now than ever before!

Here's a pic of Lu wearing the collar of shame.  She hates it.  But we gotta do what we gotta do! ;)

I never realized how one little thing, which was completely out of my control, could change my entire life, but now I do.  What I had envisioned for my first week in California became something TOTALLY different and taught me a LOT about life and what really matters.  It's amazing who you call, who you can count on, and how others interpret the whole situation.  Just sayin'.  It's been a week from hell and I am actually glad it is Monday!  Crazy!?

I can honestly say that God was watching over us and the fact that she didn't have ONE broken bone gives me reason to believe that we definitely had our angels with us.  I took this picture from my sunroof - and if you look closely, it looks like God's feet...walking above us.  Pretty AWESOME!!!

Here's to the end of the "Dog Days" and a fresh, and completely unexpected new direction for Ms. Panda.  Keep ya posted!

Yard Sale Treasure

In an effort to condense my life,
I invited my neighbors to shop in a store I created on my front lawn.

My front walkway transformed into the main artery of an outdoor trading post,
which was comprised of various card tables topped with trinkets,
boxes of books, DVDs, music, art and various clothing racks,
like one we made by lodging a long wooden bar in a knot of a huge maple tree
and propping the other end on a ladder. Classy!

Two days of selling and I would say I have found a new calling!

As one of my favorite female authors, Anais Nin says,
"good things happen to those who hustle."
Come to my sale and you're sure to leave with a treasure.

However, upon examining the remnants of the upheaval,
my attention was drawn to a vintage paperback book titled,
"Living Altars of The Ozarks," by Omer E. Creech.

It was published in 1973, and was originally titled, "Soul Talk of the Ozark Hills."
I have no idea where this book came from, but the title page had been autographed
directly below a stamp that read, "Look often toward the crest of the hills."  I was sold.

I flipped the page to the Dedication.  It was golden.
"To all living souls, who have the will and the courage to search for and discover a personal truth,
and follow that truth to it's destiny; I dedicate this book."
Ohhh, goosebumps.  I hit the jackpot!

I read on to find a beautiful poem that has easily become the treasure of my day. Here it is for you:

WOODLAND THERAPY

Let me walk in the woods

away from the crowded thoroughfare.

Let me commune with living things;

Things uninhibited by the cares of men.

With unshod feet let me tread softly 

upon the floor of the cool earth;

A floor carpeted by rich brown leaves

washed clean by the falling rain.

Grant me the privilege of listening;

Listening to the stillness of the eternal quiet.

Give unto me the sensitivity of response;

The response to the divine quietness

that whispers to the inner soul of man--

"Be still and know that I am God." 

And having responded to this divine call

let me walk from the woods

a wiser and stronger man;

Capable of re-entering and

living in the mainstream of life.

When I read this, it felt like a spoken meditation that I could easily take with me and ponder on nature walks and hiking adventures with my dogs.  I once wrote, "Greater than the test of society is the examination within," and Creech confirms my thought, "Every man's soul is his own sanctuary."  -Creech

Thank you yard sale treasure :) 

Eli the Eelephant

Eli the Eelephant

By Amanda Lynn Steinhaus

Illustrations by True Delorenzo

An Eelephant ALWAYS forgets. 

In fact, it takes steps to remember.

But let's start in the beginning.


***

Eli, the eelephant, was born in the warm waters of Thailand.

He was the only son of Erwin the Albino elephant, who loved to swim,
and Eos, the most beautiful Moray eel in the ocean,
who swam to shore at the dawn of each day.

Erwin and Eos loved to swim together every morning! 

They fell in love and soon gave birth to Eli,
the only eelephant in the entire history of Asian waters.

Legend has it that fishermen heard of this unique creation by Erwin and Eos
and have been hunting Eli for many moons.

The tides never lie, and with every new moon in the sky,
when the water is at its lowest, Eli gets very lonely and sad.

He searches for a friend to comfort him,
but his awkward appearance scares the other ocean creatures away.

Eli swims as fast as he can through the shallow waters and along a dangerously strong current,
which his parents warned Eli about when he was young.

They said,
"Eli, above the water, fishermen will cast their nets down below
 in hopes of trapping ocean creatures as they travel along the quick ocean current."

However, Eli forgot their words as he let his lonliness take over his emotions
and he swam carelessly into the powerful current. 

His mom and dad also told him about a special gift that he had as an eelephant
that no other sea creature possessed.

However, in his current state of mind, he wasn't thinking about his gifts.

Eli focused on the things he did NOT have.

He thought about the things he wanted and needed, but was not getting.

His thoughts drove him deeper into the dangerous current.

Until....SNAP! 

Eli got caught in his tracks! 

The net pulled him up and Eli suddenly became very scared!

Lifted onto the deck of an old fishing boat,

when the nets fell, the fishermen gasped and pointed their fingers at Eli.

They pointed their fingers down in awe.

It was the myth they now saw!

Eli, the eelephant had FEET!

And with them he crept off the boat and back into the sea!

Where he swims peacefully free.

Until the new moon rises again, and Eli gets lonely...

THE END

Moral #1:  Sometimes your best traits are the ones that others notice.

Moral #2: Sometimes others can point out the things you need to learn about yourself.