What does it all mean? My life... the people in it... my experiences... the yearnings inside of me. What do they tell me about my purpose?
In a book I received from my sky diving friend in Key West, I read the answer that I know has always been in me.
"There is only the search itself."
As life intensity unfolds all around me, it is up to me to shed any fear I have of it and dive head first into the messes -- to get nice and dirty, and to experience the transformative power of sorting through it all.
I owe this philosophy to Irwin Kula and his book, "Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life," but owe my gratitude to my friend for sharing it with me. I am in a thankful mess.
And as soon as I dive into a mess, I change. By getting my feet wet in the knowledge that my desires have led me to investigate, my whole perception of the possibilities of this life changes. I accept the "new me" as a part of the "old me" that just hadn't come out to play yet.
And maybe "messes" isn't the best word to describe our dream scenarios, because as a whole they look like paradise. It takes separating them into individual pieces that we must get a firm grip on before we can create the whole.
That is where I am in this moment. In the middle of a huge abstract puzzle. It took all of the experiences in my life to get here. All of the "I hope to someday"s and the "If I only had"s that brought me to this point. I know that I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, not even the person I was 2 years ago when I first moved back to Kansas City, but I am so thankful for that. I have the next 10 years to look forward to now! And what better way to kick off my new mental moment than with a desire to filter through the messy world of publishing books?
There is nothing to lose. I will gain more understanding, experience, and uncover talents that I did not know lay dormant in myself thus far.
It is with these desires, that all of our "oops" moments begin. If we continuously lived our lives as "good girls" and "good boys" all the time, then that catalyst for change might never surface! When we move forward on a fleeting moment of desire, all of the rules change. Everything we have created in comfort -- our daily routines, the ease we create for others -- in turn sacrificing ourselves, and the resulting floating through life that occurs -- it is all holding us back from our transformations! An "oops" moment may be just what the existential doctor ordered! "Oops!" I did something for myself that made me feel better and it was different than anything I have done in years...hmmm, imagine the possibilities. :)
Here I stand, with Ms. Panda at my fingertips, being created day by day and used as a vehicle for my transformation. My ideas swim like a school of fish through my head and I reel them in one by one, inspecting them, honoring them for feeding my conscious and then releasing them out into the world. It is from my interaction with these new, fresh and slippery little suckers that I am changed.
As for Ms. Panda, by continually feeding my desires into her and I am certain that I will inevitably merge my life with hers. I will become the very hero that I have dreamed into existence. Through her, I will be able to "go" places and "fix" problems in a virtual representation of the real world. It is from the adventures of my avatar, Ms. Panda, that I will teach humans about our actions, the ensuing effects of them on ourselves and our environment, and how to create our own "oops" moments to challenge the accepted way and order in life.
This, to me, is the meaning of life. We never stop growing and learning and what we think we are now is bound to change, so don't hold on too tightly. Let the desire flow through you, heck, let it be a flood inside of you -- for that is the only way you will ever muster up enough courage to release the fear and dive into the mud and the muck of your sticky desire. Believe in the mud pie that you are about to create and go for it! It is bound to be a fun time, even if no one will eat it ;) That's just the point -- get dirty, have fun and learn something about yourself!
"Twenty years from now you will regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did. Explore! Dream! Discover!" -- Mark Twain
Happy mud pie making :)